


==> Karkat: Commence The Acting Thing

by Kenmai



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Crack Fic, Gen, Humor, JohnKarkat, Other, acting/drama au, for shenanigans and the giggles, johnkat - Freeform, somewhat of a crack fic, the words shit is used a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:18:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4415513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenmai/pseuds/Kenmai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>we’re doing improv and you’re talking about how there’s some birds loose in your school, but nobody is standing up to help you with this scene and you look very awkward, here let me run towards you shouting “WHO LET MY BIRDS OUT?!” AU Johnkat</p>
            </blockquote>





	==> Karkat: Commence The Acting Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Lots of 'shitty' puns B)

“Annnd scene!” Eridan shouted motioning to the actors on stage getting ready for an improve scene. You, Karkat Vantas, currently stood offstage. You weren’t necessarily up to acting today so you decided to help out your friend Jade with the lights. The drama Director as you all called him Ampora, was currently telling the actors on stage to do any scene. Dave Strider, Feferi Peixes, Vriska Serket, Kanaya Maryam, Roxy Lalonde and John Egbert stood on the stage. You had talked to everyone currently residing on the stage more than several times, but you had only said greetings to the person you knew as John. Despite being in the drama department you rarely acted, and you two were never in the same scenes anyway. You thought it a bit strange but Mr. Ampora always had that knowing glance in his eye about you and John. You two would probably be set up for a scene one day or the other.

Turning to Jade you tsked. “I don’t think this scene is going well.”

She looked up as she stopped cleaning a light-bulb. “Mm? What do you mean?”

“Just look.” You had motioned towards the stage and pointed. “No one wants to co-operate with each other at the moment and Egbert is doing his own thing!”

“Why are there birds loose in the school?” John loudly asked as he turned to look at his fellow actors. Vriska raised an eyebrow and shook her head. She’d rather do a treasure hunting scene on an abandoned island much to everyone’s agreement. Everyone but John. He wanted to take over the scene today. Thus he shall continue.

He swallowed and turned towards the stage awkwardly. “Does no one else see these birds? Have you all gone blind?”

“Ah, yeah I see what you mean now.” Jade whispered. “Ampora seems a little agitated at how this is going doesn’t he?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and glared at her. “Yeah no shit, Harley.”

He hissed as she gave him a brisk punch in the arm. “Ow.”

“Sorry not sorry. Anyhoo! You should get out on stage Karkat!”

Karkat turned incredulously to her eyebrows raised in shock and amazement. “I’m sorry Harley? Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“It’s not like you can’t Karkat! Ampora didn’t set any specific actors on stage today.” She smiled at him before glancing back to the stage. “They voluntarily got onstage themselves remember?”

Karkat apprehensively looked back on stage and started noticing all the actors but John was leaving the stage. They just did not want to act out that particular scene today. Karkat glanced over to the audience where a few actors and interns sat murmuring, and Ampora sat crossly ready to call off the improv scene and switch to different actors.

Karkat frowned and said. “Fucking fine. Prepare to be blinded by my terrible acting skills.”

“Nah, you’ll do great.” She patted him on the back before taking a seat and watching the scene that was about to play.

Karkat took a deep breath and started to quickly walk on stage. His eyes squinted a moment to adjust to the spotlights.

“Why does no one see all these goddamn birds around the school?!” John said angrily motioning in the air.

“WHO LET MY FUCKING BIRDS OUT?” Karkat shouted stomping onto the stage. “THIS IS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME.”

John quickly did a double turn and looked at Karkat in surprise. He smiled and regained his composure as he turned to him. Karkat could vaguely see Ampora’s eyes widening as he unfolded his arms and sat up in his seat. He motioned for someone to start filming this.

“You! You let all these birds out?” John asked advancing upon Karkat’s person.

“Not me you illiterate piece of shit. Someone let these birds out again.”

“Again?” John faked being offended and raised an eyebrow. “Who would let these birds out though?”

“I’m not sure. Some sicko could a have a fetish for letting birds out?”

“Gross.”

“Yeah.”

John and Karkat pretended to look around at the many birds flying about.

“There’s just so many! Why do you have so many birds, friend?”

“There was a sale at BirdMart. Buy One Parakeet, get 30 more for free.”

“Ah, yes makes sense.”

Karkat could distinctly hear giggles around him, pleased that the audience actually liked what was happening.

“Dude, don’t look now, but I think a Pigeon just shat on your shoulder!”

Karkat sputtered and made a disgusted face before panicking. “Get it off get it off!”

“How can you have so many birds and not be used to this my good man?”

“My life has gone to shit that’s fucking why!”

“Get a hold of yourself man!” John grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

John paled as he realized his hand touched Karkat’s dirty shoulder.

“Great googly moogly it’s all gone to shit!” John blanched as he stared at his hand.

“That’s what I just fucking said my man!”

“I have napkins!” A voice said coming on stage.

“David is that you? Come quick!” John said motioning Dave to hurry on stage. “Carl and I can really use some.”

“Well shit, you sir have shit on your hand.” Dave said looking at John and then ‘noticing’ Karkat’s shoulder. “Jonathon Emily Smith what has happened here?”

The two looked at each other nervously before looking back towards Dave and pretending to take the napkins and wipe themselves off.

“Look I’ve had a very shitty day here I don’t need you asking questions.” Karkat said rolling his eyes.

“Literally!” A bright and cheery voice answered. Roxy and Feferi made their way on the stage and joined the crew.

“Goodness why are there lovely little birds everywhere!” Feferi asked curiously. “What happened here?”

“I just asked them that.” Dave said turning to the two.

“Roxanne! Felicia. Where’d you two come from?”

“We heard parrots chanting the word ‘shit’ from outside the school yard.” Roxy answered.

“Seriously though what the fuck is happening here.” Dave said motioning to them. “I really don’t want to smell like bird shit tomorrow I have an oral presentation.”

“He,” John pointed to Karkat. “Let out all of his pet birds!”

“All of them??” Vriska asked putting a hand on John and Karkat’s shoulders. She looked frantically between the two.

“All, Victoria.” John confirmed.

“Eat shit, Vicky.” Karkat replied. “Look buddy I told you someone here let them out and we have to find out who!” Karkat said glaring at John.

John stuck his tongue out as the two pretended to fight offstage.

“Whilst the lovebirds over there argue, I say we round up all these birds.” Vriska said motioning to the crew.

Kanaya quietly entered the stage and said grimly. “Guys, I am quite sure we’ll need a lot more napkins…”

Vriska sighed and face palmed. “Kara napkins are the leeeeeeeeast of our problems right now!”

Dave shook his head and started to walk off stage muttering. “Napkins are fucking gold you don’t know what you’re missing out on.”

Karkat and John decided to come back on stage at this moment, Karkat sighing heavily and turning to the group. He pointed at John. “This fucker right here accidentally opened all the windows and now the birds are escaping!”

Roxy snorted and nudged Kanaya in the shoulder. “Some poor kid is gonna drag their mom to the park and is gonna be like, ‘Mommy, mommy, What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? No wait that’s like fifty birds! Birds are taking over!’ and the mom will be all stone faced and whisper quietly, ‘Jimmy run and cover your eyes we need to get out of here now.’ And then they’ll be frantically running down the street warning people about the shitstorm to come. Then that kid will never go to a park again and be scarred for life.Haha, yeah.”

Vriska snapped her fingers. “Problem solved then! Your birds were shitty anyway. Let’s go get lunch!”

Karkat gasped and flipped her the bird. “Lunch sounds disgusting right now Vicky. My birds are disappearing as we speak into the cruel world!”

“Boo you whore. Let’s go nerds.” Vriska said as the rest of the crew started to walk offstage. Once offstage they broke out of character and started laughing and complimenting each other’s acting skills.

“Carl? Are you joining us for lunch? We can just tell the principal a poop bandit broke in or something. And that they love birds? Yeah, that’ll work, maybe?”

Karkat sighed and nodded before taking John’s hand. “Fine, but you’re buying.”

“Why am I buying if your birds invoked havoc upon the school?”

“Are you birdcist? Shame on you! Now you really do have to buy me lunch. Let’s go Jonathon.”

The boy sighed and muttered an ok.

Just then Dave ran back in on stage, his arms were stacked to the brim with actual napkins. He looked around to see no one there. “I got the fucking napkinsssssss! Shit they’re gone. I’ll just leave goddamnit. Who abandons their fucking friend in a school full of bird shit? Bad shit right there if I say so myself.”

Dave angrily dropped the props on the ground and started to walk offstage.

“AND SCENE!” Eridan yelled standing up. He clapped as the remaining audience did the same and applauded them on their work. He was especially happy at Karkat taking the spotlight and said he was wondering when he’d finally act with John. With that, he announced practice for the day to be over and bid everyone on their way.

Karkat was about to make his way back over to Jade so that they could go for actual lunch when John stopped him. Jade smiled smugly and shooed him away towards John. She’d text him later most likely.

“Hey uh, Karkat right?”

He turned around to look at him and gave a very small smile. “Yes? Can I help you, John?”

John chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just wanted to say you were great out there and you should act on stage more!”

“Uh, well thank you.”

“Yeah…and maybe you’d like to go out to lunch with me? I thought you were pretty funny and it was hard not to laugh and smile at you. So maybe I can get to know you better?” He looked at Karkat hopefully.

“As in...Friends?-“

“More. I mean uh we don’t have too. Hehe.” He laughed nervously and looked away. “Kinda like a date,yes!”

Yes. Karkat thought. Hell fucking yes. “Hmm.”

“I promise it won’t be shitty.”

Goddamn puns. Karkat snorted and took his hand for real this time. “You’ve got yourself a deal Johnny boy.”


End file.
